Catch Up

DISCLAIMER: It's long and rambling and pretty much stream of consciousness. I apologize in advance.

Wow. It's been a while since I wrote anything at all and so much has happened. Two weeks before Christmas, Joshua left, for good this time. So much for good that he managed to propose to someone else within about a month of leaving me. So much for wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. My world fell apart. I lost my best friend, I lost Joshua, my Mom was in and out of the hospital three times in the space of about six weeks. Everything sucked. EVERYTHING.

Then I sat down and I started to slowly pick up the pieces of my life. I took my broken heart and started to live one day at a time with it, until I figured out that I didn't have to have Joshua to be happy. It helped to have him, but he wasn't essential. Momma got better. I got promoted at work. I took my National EMT Boards Exam and passed. (Yeah, that's right! I'm a certified EMT now, be afraid!) I took a lot of time to get myself under control and back on track. I made plans and actually started to follow through with them and most of all I spent a lot of time alone, so that I could figure out who I was again.

Fast forward to now. It's the third week of February. My best friend and I finally sat down and talked about what had come between us and sorted it all out. We're better now. My responsibilities at work keep me busier than I've been in a while and help me to focus on something other than my still broken heart. I'm learning to make time for myself and my friends so that my life doesn't devolve into work and sleep again. Things are looking up.

I miss him.
There, I said it. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. Now, dear followers, I will never actually utter those words where he might actually hear it. I have too much pride for my own good and I can't stand the idea that his fiancee might believe for one minute that she won. (The fact that I admit it was a competition to begin with only makes it more pitiful, I know.) Oh, wait, I forgot. Y'all don't know the background on this little soap opera extraordinaire. Joshua left me for and a month later proposed to his ex. Yes, the girl that he left a little over a year ago because he was unhappy and no longer wanted to be with her. He decided that the only thing he had learned in the year we were together was that he loved me but that she was his true love. (Please, someone, come take that knife out of my back, I still can't quite reach it...) So he left me for her. Then on Christmas day he officially started dating her again and about 2 weeks later he proposed to her.

Hee Hee... I know. It's a little funny, huh? Who in their right mind proposes to someone that they haven't been with in over a year? That would be like me calling up my ex of 5 years and asking him to marry me. (I haven't, just in case you were wondering. No Brandon for me. I'm not that lonely.) Now, I've heard all the tired cliches of true love conquers all and so on and so forth but I mean, really! What sane human being proposes to a person that they haven't been in a relationship with for over a year except for the last month or so?

L (his ex) never quite understood their break up. The entire time that Joshua and I were together and happy she was always on the sidelines. There were phone calls, there were text messages, there were late night trips to Sardis because she had no one to talk to except him. And I dealt with all of this. I loved him (still do, actually) and I trusted him and I had no doubts that he felt the same way about me and that he didn't want to be with her anymore so I never really pressed the issue of setting more definite boundaries for her. (Stupid, stupid girl) I accepted the fact that Joshua has a real problem with people not liking him and that he wanted to remain friends with the person that he had cared about and spent so much time with. I even understood to a degree. (I've been told I'm too understanding, I believe I begin to see that now...) So naturally when Joshua and I had problems he turned to the one friend that he thought could help; L. She helped. She helped herself to my boyfriend. (There's still some bitterness if you can't tell.)

Now that you all understand what I've been dealing with lately, I think you can see why it's been so hard for me to pick up the pieces and move on to someone else. Besides the fact that I still believe that what Joshua and I had was real, I've had no closure to speak of. He won't talk to me. He won't have anything to do with me at all. So all those questions that you have after a break up, all those things that you need to get off your chest. Yeah, well, I guess that's what this is. I can't talk to him, so I talked to y'all instead. Thank you for listening and being there when he wasn't.