Have you ever had that person that keeps wandering back into your life at random times? The one that manages to throw everything into disarray just by being there. You know you have. The high school crush that you have the one night stand with as a way to fulfill all those long ago fantasies, only the one night stand repeats itself periodically until it's more of a dysfunctional relationship than a one night stand. Or maybe it's the office hook-up that continues well past the point it should have been cut off. For me it's my ex.
In my defense, I have been with said ex (we'll call him B) off and on for close to 7 years; not counting the year I was with Josh. So after 7 years it gets really hard to turn down the comfort and ease of that relationship. That's my problem. I'm at a point in my life that I don't need to back track at all, with anyone. Not Josh, not B, no one. In the midst of my new self awareness B comes sauntering back into my life like nothing has happened and expecting us to just pick up right where we left off. The problem with that is when he sauntered in, he was toting a bit of baggage with him. It comes in the form of an ex-wife, a child, and a baby momma. (Yeah, he couldn't have streamlined it, he had to make it difficult.) When he and I parted ways last January he had none of those things, but he acquired them in rapid succession after I left. (Well, he acquired the wife, he just recently put the ex in front of that...)
So to recap, B is back with a daughter, her mother, and an ex wife. Needless to say I've been slightly shell shocked all week, trying to process so many changes so quickly. It's not the fact that he has a child or an ex or two. It's the fact that I left him basically because after 5 1/2 years he was still showing no signs of wanting to marry me and he vehemently denied wanting children. I want a marriage and children. I figured that since he was fully grown, he wasn't going to change his mind and I needed to leave, so I did. Then he changed his mind. (Funny how that works, huh?) There were other reasons involved but those were my main two.
He has effectively turned my world upside down again. But then, he was always great at doing that. Now I have to analyze what I feel for him once again. Do I want to build a life with him? Am I still in love with him even after having been in love with Josh, or at least could I fall back in love with him? Do I want to take on the major responsibilities associated with stepping into a ready-made family? Am I ready for that? Am I ready for the issues that are bound to come with having a baby's momma in the picture? This is one of those times that I just have to look upwards and say, "Why me? Why can't you just decide what you want me to do in this situation and let me know, so I won't mess it up?" So far I haven't gotten an answer... Not even a thunderclap.
B is taking me out to dinner tonight so I guess I'll fall back on my old standby of how to deal with things; I'll just sit back and see where it goes.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Momma
March 2, 2012 will always stand in my memory as the worst day of my life. April 18, 2004 follows at a close second, but March 2 has got it beat hands down. That cloudy Friday morning was the day I lost my best friend, my confidant, my role model and the very center of my universe. That was the day my Momma died. For those of you that don't know April 18, 2004 was the day that my Daddy died. On March 2 I became an orphan before I was 30.
My world doesn't seem to spin quite as well without Momma in it. She taught me so much about everything. She was an amazing woman that touched so many lives. I was staggered at the outpouring of sympathy and grief when she died. I hope that I can be half the woman that she was and that I can teach my children and raise them as well as she did me. I miss her so much some times that it's a physical pain. Then there are other times that it doesn't even seem real to me. I was an only child so we had a special kind of bond that most people didn't understand. We were more like best friend than parent and child, but she did know how to discipline me when I needed it. Gilmore Girls was our favorite TV show because Lorelei and Rory were so much like us.
I miss my Momma, but I know she's always with me and her and Daddy are watching over me everyday now.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Catch Up
DISCLAIMER: It's long and rambling and pretty much stream of consciousness. I apologize in advance.
Wow. It's been a while since I wrote anything at all and so much has happened. Two weeks before Christmas, Joshua left, for good this time. So much for good that he managed to propose to someone else within about a month of leaving me. So much for wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. My world fell apart. I lost my best friend, I lost Joshua, my Mom was in and out of the hospital three times in the space of about six weeks. Everything sucked. EVERYTHING.
Then I sat down and I started to slowly pick up the pieces of my life. I took my broken heart and started to live one day at a time with it, until I figured out that I didn't have to have Joshua to be happy. It helped to have him, but he wasn't essential. Momma got better. I got promoted at work. I took my National EMT Boards Exam and passed. (Yeah, that's right! I'm a certified EMT now, be afraid!) I took a lot of time to get myself under control and back on track. I made plans and actually started to follow through with them and most of all I spent a lot of time alone, so that I could figure out who I was again.
Fast forward to now. It's the third week of February. My best friend and I finally sat down and talked about what had come between us and sorted it all out. We're better now. My responsibilities at work keep me busier than I've been in a while and help me to focus on something other than my still broken heart. I'm learning to make time for myself and my friends so that my life doesn't devolve into work and sleep again. Things are looking up.
I miss him.
There, I said it. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. Now, dear followers, I will never actually utter those words where he might actually hear it. I have too much pride for my own good and I can't stand the idea that his fiancee might believe for one minute that she won. (The fact that I admit it was a competition to begin with only makes it more pitiful, I know.) Oh, wait, I forgot. Y'all don't know the background on this little soap opera extraordinaire. Joshua left me for and a month later proposed to his ex. Yes, the girl that he left a little over a year ago because he was unhappy and no longer wanted to be with her. He decided that the only thing he had learned in the year we were together was that he loved me but that she was his true love. (Please, someone, come take that knife out of my back, I still can't quite reach it...) So he left me for her. Then on Christmas day he officially started dating her again and about 2 weeks later he proposed to her.
Hee Hee... I know. It's a little funny, huh? Who in their right mind proposes to someone that they haven't been with in over a year? That would be like me calling up my ex of 5 years and asking him to marry me. (I haven't, just in case you were wondering. No Brandon for me. I'm not that lonely.) Now, I've heard all the tired cliches of true love conquers all and so on and so forth but I mean, really! What sane human being proposes to a person that they haven't been in a relationship with for over a year except for the last month or so?
L (his ex) never quite understood their break up. The entire time that Joshua and I were together and happy she was always on the sidelines. There were phone calls, there were text messages, there were late night trips to Sardis because she had no one to talk to except him. And I dealt with all of this. I loved him (still do, actually) and I trusted him and I had no doubts that he felt the same way about me and that he didn't want to be with her anymore so I never really pressed the issue of setting more definite boundaries for her. (Stupid, stupid girl) I accepted the fact that Joshua has a real problem with people not liking him and that he wanted to remain friends with the person that he had cared about and spent so much time with. I even understood to a degree. (I've been told I'm too understanding, I believe I begin to see that now...) So naturally when Joshua and I had problems he turned to the one friend that he thought could help; L. She helped. She helped herself to my boyfriend. (There's still some bitterness if you can't tell.)
Now that you all understand what I've been dealing with lately, I think you can see why it's been so hard for me to pick up the pieces and move on to someone else. Besides the fact that I still believe that what Joshua and I had was real, I've had no closure to speak of. He won't talk to me. He won't have anything to do with me at all. So all those questions that you have after a break up, all those things that you need to get off your chest. Yeah, well, I guess that's what this is. I can't talk to him, so I talked to y'all instead. Thank you for listening and being there when he wasn't.
Wow. It's been a while since I wrote anything at all and so much has happened. Two weeks before Christmas, Joshua left, for good this time. So much for good that he managed to propose to someone else within about a month of leaving me. So much for wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. My world fell apart. I lost my best friend, I lost Joshua, my Mom was in and out of the hospital three times in the space of about six weeks. Everything sucked. EVERYTHING.
Then I sat down and I started to slowly pick up the pieces of my life. I took my broken heart and started to live one day at a time with it, until I figured out that I didn't have to have Joshua to be happy. It helped to have him, but he wasn't essential. Momma got better. I got promoted at work. I took my National EMT Boards Exam and passed. (Yeah, that's right! I'm a certified EMT now, be afraid!) I took a lot of time to get myself under control and back on track. I made plans and actually started to follow through with them and most of all I spent a lot of time alone, so that I could figure out who I was again.
Fast forward to now. It's the third week of February. My best friend and I finally sat down and talked about what had come between us and sorted it all out. We're better now. My responsibilities at work keep me busier than I've been in a while and help me to focus on something other than my still broken heart. I'm learning to make time for myself and my friends so that my life doesn't devolve into work and sleep again. Things are looking up.
I miss him.
There, I said it. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. Now, dear followers, I will never actually utter those words where he might actually hear it. I have too much pride for my own good and I can't stand the idea that his fiancee might believe for one minute that she won. (The fact that I admit it was a competition to begin with only makes it more pitiful, I know.) Oh, wait, I forgot. Y'all don't know the background on this little soap opera extraordinaire. Joshua left me for and a month later proposed to his ex. Yes, the girl that he left a little over a year ago because he was unhappy and no longer wanted to be with her. He decided that the only thing he had learned in the year we were together was that he loved me but that she was his true love. (Please, someone, come take that knife out of my back, I still can't quite reach it...) So he left me for her. Then on Christmas day he officially started dating her again and about 2 weeks later he proposed to her.
Hee Hee... I know. It's a little funny, huh? Who in their right mind proposes to someone that they haven't been with in over a year? That would be like me calling up my ex of 5 years and asking him to marry me. (I haven't, just in case you were wondering. No Brandon for me. I'm not that lonely.) Now, I've heard all the tired cliches of true love conquers all and so on and so forth but I mean, really! What sane human being proposes to a person that they haven't been in a relationship with for over a year except for the last month or so?
L (his ex) never quite understood their break up. The entire time that Joshua and I were together and happy she was always on the sidelines. There were phone calls, there were text messages, there were late night trips to Sardis because she had no one to talk to except him. And I dealt with all of this. I loved him (still do, actually) and I trusted him and I had no doubts that he felt the same way about me and that he didn't want to be with her anymore so I never really pressed the issue of setting more definite boundaries for her. (Stupid, stupid girl) I accepted the fact that Joshua has a real problem with people not liking him and that he wanted to remain friends with the person that he had cared about and spent so much time with. I even understood to a degree. (I've been told I'm too understanding, I believe I begin to see that now...) So naturally when Joshua and I had problems he turned to the one friend that he thought could help; L. She helped. She helped herself to my boyfriend. (There's still some bitterness if you can't tell.)
Now that you all understand what I've been dealing with lately, I think you can see why it's been so hard for me to pick up the pieces and move on to someone else. Besides the fact that I still believe that what Joshua and I had was real, I've had no closure to speak of. He won't talk to me. He won't have anything to do with me at all. So all those questions that you have after a break up, all those things that you need to get off your chest. Yeah, well, I guess that's what this is. I can't talk to him, so I talked to y'all instead. Thank you for listening and being there when he wasn't.
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