Have you ever had that person that keeps wandering back into your life at random times? The one that manages to throw everything into disarray just by being there. You know you have. The high school crush that you have the one night stand with as a way to fulfill all those long ago fantasies, only the one night stand repeats itself periodically until it's more of a dysfunctional relationship than a one night stand. Or maybe it's the office hook-up that continues well past the point it should have been cut off. For me it's my ex.
In my defense, I have been with said ex (we'll call him B) off and on for close to 7 years; not counting the year I was with Josh. So after 7 years it gets really hard to turn down the comfort and ease of that relationship. That's my problem. I'm at a point in my life that I don't need to back track at all, with anyone. Not Josh, not B, no one. In the midst of my new self awareness B comes sauntering back into my life like nothing has happened and expecting us to just pick up right where we left off. The problem with that is when he sauntered in, he was toting a bit of baggage with him. It comes in the form of an ex-wife, a child, and a baby momma. (Yeah, he couldn't have streamlined it, he had to make it difficult.) When he and I parted ways last January he had none of those things, but he acquired them in rapid succession after I left. (Well, he acquired the wife, he just recently put the ex in front of that...)
So to recap, B is back with a daughter, her mother, and an ex wife. Needless to say I've been slightly shell shocked all week, trying to process so many changes so quickly. It's not the fact that he has a child or an ex or two. It's the fact that I left him basically because after 5 1/2 years he was still showing no signs of wanting to marry me and he vehemently denied wanting children. I want a marriage and children. I figured that since he was fully grown, he wasn't going to change his mind and I needed to leave, so I did. Then he changed his mind. (Funny how that works, huh?) There were other reasons involved but those were my main two.
He has effectively turned my world upside down again. But then, he was always great at doing that. Now I have to analyze what I feel for him once again. Do I want to build a life with him? Am I still in love with him even after having been in love with Josh, or at least could I fall back in love with him? Do I want to take on the major responsibilities associated with stepping into a ready-made family? Am I ready for that? Am I ready for the issues that are bound to come with having a baby's momma in the picture? This is one of those times that I just have to look upwards and say, "Why me? Why can't you just decide what you want me to do in this situation and let me know, so I won't mess it up?" So far I haven't gotten an answer... Not even a thunderclap.
B is taking me out to dinner tonight so I guess I'll fall back on my old standby of how to deal with things; I'll just sit back and see where it goes.
