Here We Go Again...

Have you ever had that person that keeps wandering back into your life at random times? The one that manages to throw everything into disarray just by being there. You know you have. The high school crush that you have the one night stand with as a way to fulfill all those long ago fantasies, only the one night stand repeats itself periodically until it's more of a dysfunctional relationship than a one night stand. Or maybe it's the office hook-up that continues well past the point it should have been cut off. For me it's my ex.

In my defense, I have been with said ex (we'll call him B) off and on for close to 7 years; not counting the year I was with Josh. So after 7 years it gets really hard to turn down the comfort and ease of that relationship. That's my problem. I'm at a point in my life that I don't need to back track at all, with anyone. Not Josh, not B, no one. In the midst of my new self awareness B comes sauntering back into my life like nothing has happened and  expecting us to just pick up right where we left off. The problem with that is when he sauntered in, he was toting a bit of baggage with him. It comes in the form of an ex-wife, a child, and a baby momma. (Yeah, he couldn't have streamlined it, he had to make it difficult.) When he and I parted ways last January he had none of those things, but he acquired them in rapid succession after I left. (Well, he acquired the wife, he just recently put the ex in front of that...)

So to recap, B is back with a daughter, her mother, and an ex wife. Needless to say I've been slightly shell shocked all week, trying to process so many changes so quickly. It's not the fact that he has a child or an ex or two. It's the fact that I left him basically because after 5 1/2 years he was still showing no signs of wanting to marry me and he vehemently denied wanting children. I want a marriage and children. I figured that since he was fully grown, he wasn't going to change his mind and I needed to leave, so I did. Then he changed his mind. (Funny how that works, huh?) There were other reasons involved but those were my main two.

He has effectively turned my world upside down again. But then, he was always great at doing that. Now I have to analyze what I feel for him once again. Do I want to build a life with him? Am I still in love with him even after having been in love with Josh, or at least could I fall back in love with him? Do I want to take on the major responsibilities associated with stepping into a ready-made family? Am I ready for that? Am I ready for the issues that are bound to come with having a baby's momma in the picture? This is one of those times that I just have to look upwards and say, "Why me? Why can't you just decide what you want me to do in this situation and let me know, so I won't mess it up?" So far I haven't gotten an answer... Not even a thunderclap.

B is taking me out to dinner tonight so I guess I'll fall back on my old standby of how to deal with things; I'll just sit back and see where it goes.

Momma

March 2, 2012 will always stand in my memory as the worst day of my life. April 18, 2004 follows at a close second, but March 2 has got it beat hands down. That cloudy Friday morning was the day I lost my best friend, my confidant, my role model and the very center of my universe. That was the day my Momma died. For those of you that don't know April 18, 2004 was the day that my Daddy died. On March 2 I became an orphan before I was 30. 

My world doesn't seem to spin quite as well without Momma in it. She taught me so much about everything. She was an amazing woman that touched so many lives. I was staggered at the outpouring of sympathy and grief when she died. I hope that I can be half the woman that she was and that I can teach my children and raise them as well as she did me. I miss her so much some times that it's a physical pain. Then there are other times that it doesn't even seem real to me. I was an only child so we had a special kind of bond that most people didn't understand. We were more like best friend than parent and child, but she did know how to discipline me when I needed it. Gilmore Girls was our favorite TV show because Lorelei and Rory were so much like us. 

I miss my Momma, but I know she's always with me and her and Daddy are watching over me everyday now. 

Catch Up

DISCLAIMER: It's long and rambling and pretty much stream of consciousness. I apologize in advance.

Wow. It's been a while since I wrote anything at all and so much has happened. Two weeks before Christmas, Joshua left, for good this time. So much for good that he managed to propose to someone else within about a month of leaving me. So much for wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. My world fell apart. I lost my best friend, I lost Joshua, my Mom was in and out of the hospital three times in the space of about six weeks. Everything sucked. EVERYTHING.

Then I sat down and I started to slowly pick up the pieces of my life. I took my broken heart and started to live one day at a time with it, until I figured out that I didn't have to have Joshua to be happy. It helped to have him, but he wasn't essential. Momma got better. I got promoted at work. I took my National EMT Boards Exam and passed. (Yeah, that's right! I'm a certified EMT now, be afraid!) I took a lot of time to get myself under control and back on track. I made plans and actually started to follow through with them and most of all I spent a lot of time alone, so that I could figure out who I was again.

Fast forward to now. It's the third week of February. My best friend and I finally sat down and talked about what had come between us and sorted it all out. We're better now. My responsibilities at work keep me busier than I've been in a while and help me to focus on something other than my still broken heart. I'm learning to make time for myself and my friends so that my life doesn't devolve into work and sleep again. Things are looking up.

I miss him.
There, I said it. I miss him so much I can't breathe sometimes. Now, dear followers, I will never actually utter those words where he might actually hear it. I have too much pride for my own good and I can't stand the idea that his fiancee might believe for one minute that she won. (The fact that I admit it was a competition to begin with only makes it more pitiful, I know.) Oh, wait, I forgot. Y'all don't know the background on this little soap opera extraordinaire. Joshua left me for and a month later proposed to his ex. Yes, the girl that he left a little over a year ago because he was unhappy and no longer wanted to be with her. He decided that the only thing he had learned in the year we were together was that he loved me but that she was his true love. (Please, someone, come take that knife out of my back, I still can't quite reach it...) So he left me for her. Then on Christmas day he officially started dating her again and about 2 weeks later he proposed to her.

Hee Hee... I know. It's a little funny, huh? Who in their right mind proposes to someone that they haven't been with in over a year? That would be like me calling up my ex of 5 years and asking him to marry me. (I haven't, just in case you were wondering. No Brandon for me. I'm not that lonely.) Now, I've heard all the tired cliches of true love conquers all and so on and so forth but I mean, really! What sane human being proposes to a person that they haven't been in a relationship with for over a year except for the last month or so?

L (his ex) never quite understood their break up. The entire time that Joshua and I were together and happy she was always on the sidelines. There were phone calls, there were text messages, there were late night trips to Sardis because she had no one to talk to except him. And I dealt with all of this. I loved him (still do, actually) and I trusted him and I had no doubts that he felt the same way about me and that he didn't want to be with her anymore so I never really pressed the issue of setting more definite boundaries for her. (Stupid, stupid girl) I accepted the fact that Joshua has a real problem with people not liking him and that he wanted to remain friends with the person that he had cared about and spent so much time with. I even understood to a degree. (I've been told I'm too understanding, I believe I begin to see that now...) So naturally when Joshua and I had problems he turned to the one friend that he thought could help; L. She helped. She helped herself to my boyfriend. (There's still some bitterness if you can't tell.)

Now that you all understand what I've been dealing with lately, I think you can see why it's been so hard for me to pick up the pieces and move on to someone else. Besides the fact that I still believe that what Joshua and I had was real, I've had no closure to speak of. He won't talk to me. He won't have anything to do with me at all. So all those questions that you have after a break up, all those things that you need to get off your chest. Yeah, well, I guess that's what this is. I can't talk to him, so I talked to y'all instead. Thank you for listening and being there when he wasn't.

Overwhelmed

The last few months have been so stressful and overwhelming. I lost Josh. I got him back (kinda). We fell apart again. We picked the pieces back up. As it stands now we aren't together because he needs time and space. That's fine, but it's hard to rewind to the point in the relationship where you weren't serious, when somewhere in my head I've already decided that I've met the man I want to marry. Every time I look into his eyes I know that he is the man that I want to wake up with every morning and the one that I want to go to sleep with every night. I know that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and build my family with.

The problem is that Josh apparently doesn't know anything anymore. He went from being as sure as I was (or so I thought) to being about as wishy-washy as a person can get. He knows a few things for sure. He knows he loves me and is in love with me and he knows that at this present moment he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, eventually. (EVENTUALLY!!! REALLY?!?!) Word of advice to any guy that might read this, eventually is not the best thing to say to a girl when it comes to something like that.

I'm getting tired of flip-flopping from one extreme to the other. One week we're together all the time, the next we don't see each other at all because, according to him, we spend too much time together. One day everything is fine and dandy, the next he's ignoring me and doing a very convincing impression of a douchebag. It's getting to the point that I don't know how to react to anything he does or says anymore. I can feel myself acting crazier and crazier when it comes to him and I can't help it. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. (I refuse to say a losing battle, because I know that if we can make it through this we'll be fine.) I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else and I know that he's THE ONE, it's just reminding him that he believes the same thing about me, too.

If anyone wants to volunteer to knock some sense into him, I'm taking applications. :) I do love him, it's just that sometimes he infuriates me beyond all belief. But I DO LOVE HIM!

Deprivation... In a manner of speaking...

It is once again Lent. The season of sacrifice. I haven't always been consistent with observing Lent, but this year it coincides with a large number of my goals for my new life, so I decided to give it another shot. A quick rundown of the aforementioned goals follows.

1. Improve my relationship with Christ.
2. Lose all this excess weight that has gradually built up over the last couple of years.
3. Set goals that I actually keep.

Josh is a great influence on me spiritually. He makes me want to be a better Christian and he holds me to it. Even though we have differing opinions on many things (he was raised Baptist and I was raised as a strange amalgam of Methodist and Assembly of God) he understands how I feel and respects my ideas on faith and the Bible. I've decided that I'm going to start going to church with him every Sunday, even though it is a 45 minute drive. I want our relationship to be strong not only in love, but also in our love for God.

Back to Lent... I made a deal with Josh to give up all sodas and most fast food if he would definitely quit smoking this month. He usually doesn't smoke but he slips up now and then and I've been trying to get him to stop totally. (it's a pet peeve of mine.) I really don't consider my diet my contribution to Lent. It seems like an easy way out. I was already planning to give up Cokes and most fast food so it strikes me as being a cop out for me to pass that off as a Lenten Sacrifice. I just finished reading my friend Mandi's blog about her Lenten Promises and it made me think. She was raised Catholic and of course Lent is a Catholic tradition so I feel like maybe she has more insight into the practice than I do. (Protestant that I am...) Methodists also practice Lent, in case you're wondering. She was taught about Lenten promises versus Lenten sacrifices in grade school and that sounds like a much better idea to me. So...

My Promises for Lent
1. I will be more patient and compassionate, not only at work, but also with my family and loved ones.
2. I will stop worrying about everything and turn it over to God. (That one's gonna be hard...)
3. I will control my temper! (it's horrible. I mean really awful...)

So instead of this being a season of deprivation, it's going to be more of a season of growth and learning to be this new person that I'm trying so hard to become. I know I can do it though, because I have such amazing support from such awesome people.

Are We or Aren't We?

So Josh and I are engaged... I think. How do you not know if you're engaged, you ask? Well, it all started a month or so ago.

Josh and I decided early on it our relationship that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and because of this decision I began to plan our wedding. I've been planning my wedding since I was six, so extending my myriad and ever changing fantasies to include Joshua didn't inconvenience me in the least. One of my best friends got married this past September and one of her lovely sorority sisters is getting married this fall. My cousin is having a destination wedding in Hawaii and another cousin of mine got married last summer in Florida. It seems for the last year all I've heard about is weddings, and contrary to popular belief, I'm not complaining. I once wanted to (and kinda still do...) open my own wedding planning business. But back to the topic at hand...

I rationalized planning our wedding before he actually proposed by telling myself that when we actually did become engaged it would save me a lot of headaches. Well it just snowballed from there. We went from discussing (hypothetically) who we would have in the wedding party to where we would hold the ceremony and reception (once again, hypothetically) to actually setting a wedding date. (not hypothetical) That's right, Joshua and I have a wedding date but we aren't engaged. At least not officially.

He asked one night, but I didn't think he was serious. Actually, I thought he asked because he was trying to make me feel better after we had one of our spats. He was serious. (Oops...) He says that proposal has expired and that I have to wait for the new one. Speaking of proposals, that brings me to our next stumbling block; engagement rings or to be more specific, the price tag attached to them. We've looked around a little bit but we haven't found a ring yet that meets my very specific requirements. (listed below)

1. It can't sit up off my finger too high. As I will eventually be a paramedic and have to wear gloves all the time I can't have a setting on my ring that will tear my gloves.
2. It can't cost an arm and two legs. We don't have those extra limbs just lying around that we can spare.
3. I have to like it and as of right now, I haven't found anything that I really like.

We've toyed around with the idea of using my Grandmother's engagement ring either until we find one we like and can afford or just use it in lieu of buying an engagement ring. My mom has already approved that idea.

Anyway, back to the "engagement"... The bottom line is we are getting married and we do have a definite date for the marriage, but due to some family issues and some financial issues and basically any other kind of issue you can think of, we aren't engaged yet. He hasn't proposed (again) and I haven't accepted. But he will eventually and so will I. That's all that matters... Right?

The Power of Words

I love my boyfriend.
That seems like a simple and very childlike way to start out the first post of my new blog, but it's also the prevailing thought in my head and has been for the past two weeks.
This kind of unconditional love in a relationship is new to me. I've never been with anyone who wanted to be with me because they genuinely liked my personality as well as my physical attributes and everything else.
Josh loves the whole package and it's such a nice change. He also tells me that he loves me often and he actually means it. I don't think I've ever been this happy in a relationship before.

On to less sappy subjects...

I can't really believe that 2010 is on its last leg. It doesn't seem like it should be New Year's yet. I started this year out believing that it was going to be one of my worst, but instead it has turned into one of my best. I started a job that I love with people that are wonderful. I even met Josh because of my job and I can't explain how lucky I am to have him; but I said no more sap... :) For the first time in a long time it seems like my life is moving in the right direction again and I am so grateful for that. All in all, 2010 was a very good year. Especially towards the end.

I'm looking forward to 2011, too. I start back to school in about a week and I'm honestly excited. I put my education on hold for a few years and now I'm glad to be getting back into it. I feel like I've finally gotten rid of a deadweight in my life that was holding me back and now I feel prepared to do almost anything.

In case you're wondering, I started this as a sort of catharsis. I have a very stressful job that takes up quite a lot of my time. This is going to be my way to vent and relieve stress and tension as well as share my thoughts; both good and bad. I'm sure I'll come off as neurotic, sarcastic, smart ass-ed, and down right bitchy on my bad days; but I'm hoping to show my better qualities on my good days.