The last few months have been so stressful and overwhelming. I lost Josh. I got him back (kinda). We fell apart again. We picked the pieces back up. As it stands now we aren't together because he needs time and space. That's fine, but it's hard to rewind to the point in the relationship where you weren't serious, when somewhere in my head I've already decided that I've met the man I want to marry. Every time I look into his eyes I know that he is the man that I want to wake up with every morning and the one that I want to go to sleep with every night. I know that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and build my family with.
The problem is that Josh apparently doesn't know anything anymore. He went from being as sure as I was (or so I thought) to being about as wishy-washy as a person can get. He knows a few things for sure. He knows he loves me and is in love with me and he knows that at this present moment he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, eventually. (EVENTUALLY!!! REALLY?!?!) Word of advice to any guy that might read this, eventually is not the best thing to say to a girl when it comes to something like that.
I'm getting tired of flip-flopping from one extreme to the other. One week we're together all the time, the next we don't see each other at all because, according to him, we spend too much time together. One day everything is fine and dandy, the next he's ignoring me and doing a very convincing impression of a douchebag. It's getting to the point that I don't know how to react to anything he does or says anymore. I can feel myself acting crazier and crazier when it comes to him and I can't help it. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. (I refuse to say a losing battle, because I know that if we can make it through this we'll be fine.) I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else and I know that he's THE ONE, it's just reminding him that he believes the same thing about me, too.
If anyone wants to volunteer to knock some sense into him, I'm taking applications. :) I do love him, it's just that sometimes he infuriates me beyond all belief. But I DO LOVE HIM!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Deprivation... In a manner of speaking...
It is once again Lent. The season of sacrifice. I haven't always been consistent with observing Lent, but this year it coincides with a large number of my goals for my new life, so I decided to give it another shot. A quick rundown of the aforementioned goals follows.
1. Improve my relationship with Christ.
2. Lose all this excess weight that has gradually built up over the last couple of years.
3. Set goals that I actually keep.
Josh is a great influence on me spiritually. He makes me want to be a better Christian and he holds me to it. Even though we have differing opinions on many things (he was raised Baptist and I was raised as a strange amalgam of Methodist and Assembly of God) he understands how I feel and respects my ideas on faith and the Bible. I've decided that I'm going to start going to church with him every Sunday, even though it is a 45 minute drive. I want our relationship to be strong not only in love, but also in our love for God.
Back to Lent... I made a deal with Josh to give up all sodas and most fast food if he would definitely quit smoking this month. He usually doesn't smoke but he slips up now and then and I've been trying to get him to stop totally. (it's a pet peeve of mine.) I really don't consider my diet my contribution to Lent. It seems like an easy way out. I was already planning to give up Cokes and most fast food so it strikes me as being a cop out for me to pass that off as a Lenten Sacrifice. I just finished reading my friend Mandi's blog about her Lenten Promises and it made me think. She was raised Catholic and of course Lent is a Catholic tradition so I feel like maybe she has more insight into the practice than I do. (Protestant that I am...) Methodists also practice Lent, in case you're wondering. She was taught about Lenten promises versus Lenten sacrifices in grade school and that sounds like a much better idea to me. So...
My Promises for Lent
1. I will be more patient and compassionate, not only at work, but also with my family and loved ones.
2. I will stop worrying about everything and turn it over to God. (That one's gonna be hard...)
3. I will control my temper! (it's horrible. I mean really awful...)
So instead of this being a season of deprivation, it's going to be more of a season of growth and learning to be this new person that I'm trying so hard to become. I know I can do it though, because I have such amazing support from such awesome people.
1. Improve my relationship with Christ.
2. Lose all this excess weight that has gradually built up over the last couple of years.
3. Set goals that I actually keep.
Josh is a great influence on me spiritually. He makes me want to be a better Christian and he holds me to it. Even though we have differing opinions on many things (he was raised Baptist and I was raised as a strange amalgam of Methodist and Assembly of God) he understands how I feel and respects my ideas on faith and the Bible. I've decided that I'm going to start going to church with him every Sunday, even though it is a 45 minute drive. I want our relationship to be strong not only in love, but also in our love for God.
Back to Lent... I made a deal with Josh to give up all sodas and most fast food if he would definitely quit smoking this month. He usually doesn't smoke but he slips up now and then and I've been trying to get him to stop totally. (it's a pet peeve of mine.) I really don't consider my diet my contribution to Lent. It seems like an easy way out. I was already planning to give up Cokes and most fast food so it strikes me as being a cop out for me to pass that off as a Lenten Sacrifice. I just finished reading my friend Mandi's blog about her Lenten Promises and it made me think. She was raised Catholic and of course Lent is a Catholic tradition so I feel like maybe she has more insight into the practice than I do. (Protestant that I am...) Methodists also practice Lent, in case you're wondering. She was taught about Lenten promises versus Lenten sacrifices in grade school and that sounds like a much better idea to me. So...
My Promises for Lent
1. I will be more patient and compassionate, not only at work, but also with my family and loved ones.
2. I will stop worrying about everything and turn it over to God. (That one's gonna be hard...)
3. I will control my temper! (it's horrible. I mean really awful...)
So instead of this being a season of deprivation, it's going to be more of a season of growth and learning to be this new person that I'm trying so hard to become. I know I can do it though, because I have such amazing support from such awesome people.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Are We or Aren't We?
So Josh and I are engaged... I think. How do you not know if you're engaged, you ask? Well, it all started a month or so ago.
Josh and I decided early on it our relationship that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and because of this decision I began to plan our wedding. I've been planning my wedding since I was six, so extending my myriad and ever changing fantasies to include Joshua didn't inconvenience me in the least. One of my best friends got married this past September and one of her lovely sorority sisters is getting married this fall. My cousin is having a destination wedding in Hawaii and another cousin of mine got married last summer in Florida. It seems for the last year all I've heard about is weddings, and contrary to popular belief, I'm not complaining. I once wanted to (and kinda still do...) open my own wedding planning business. But back to the topic at hand...
I rationalized planning our wedding before he actually proposed by telling myself that when we actually did become engaged it would save me a lot of headaches. Well it just snowballed from there. We went from discussing (hypothetically) who we would have in the wedding party to where we would hold the ceremony and reception (once again, hypothetically) to actually setting a wedding date. (not hypothetical) That's right, Joshua and I have a wedding date but we aren't engaged. At least not officially.
He asked one night, but I didn't think he was serious. Actually, I thought he asked because he was trying to make me feel better after we had one of our spats. He was serious. (Oops...) He says that proposal has expired and that I have to wait for the new one. Speaking of proposals, that brings me to our next stumbling block; engagement rings or to be more specific, the price tag attached to them. We've looked around a little bit but we haven't found a ring yet that meets my very specific requirements. (listed below)
1. It can't sit up off my finger too high. As I will eventually be a paramedic and have to wear gloves all the time I can't have a setting on my ring that will tear my gloves.
2. It can't cost an arm and two legs. We don't have those extra limbs just lying around that we can spare.
3. I have to like it and as of right now, I haven't found anything that I really like.
We've toyed around with the idea of using my Grandmother's engagement ring either until we find one we like and can afford or just use it in lieu of buying an engagement ring. My mom has already approved that idea.
Anyway, back to the "engagement"... The bottom line is we are getting married and we do have a definite date for the marriage, but due to some family issues and some financial issues and basically any other kind of issue you can think of, we aren't engaged yet. He hasn't proposed (again) and I haven't accepted. But he will eventually and so will I. That's all that matters... Right?
Josh and I decided early on it our relationship that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and because of this decision I began to plan our wedding. I've been planning my wedding since I was six, so extending my myriad and ever changing fantasies to include Joshua didn't inconvenience me in the least. One of my best friends got married this past September and one of her lovely sorority sisters is getting married this fall. My cousin is having a destination wedding in Hawaii and another cousin of mine got married last summer in Florida. It seems for the last year all I've heard about is weddings, and contrary to popular belief, I'm not complaining. I once wanted to (and kinda still do...) open my own wedding planning business. But back to the topic at hand...
I rationalized planning our wedding before he actually proposed by telling myself that when we actually did become engaged it would save me a lot of headaches. Well it just snowballed from there. We went from discussing (hypothetically) who we would have in the wedding party to where we would hold the ceremony and reception (once again, hypothetically) to actually setting a wedding date. (not hypothetical) That's right, Joshua and I have a wedding date but we aren't engaged. At least not officially.
He asked one night, but I didn't think he was serious. Actually, I thought he asked because he was trying to make me feel better after we had one of our spats. He was serious. (Oops...) He says that proposal has expired and that I have to wait for the new one. Speaking of proposals, that brings me to our next stumbling block; engagement rings or to be more specific, the price tag attached to them. We've looked around a little bit but we haven't found a ring yet that meets my very specific requirements. (listed below)
1. It can't sit up off my finger too high. As I will eventually be a paramedic and have to wear gloves all the time I can't have a setting on my ring that will tear my gloves.
2. It can't cost an arm and two legs. We don't have those extra limbs just lying around that we can spare.
3. I have to like it and as of right now, I haven't found anything that I really like.
We've toyed around with the idea of using my Grandmother's engagement ring either until we find one we like and can afford or just use it in lieu of buying an engagement ring. My mom has already approved that idea.
Anyway, back to the "engagement"... The bottom line is we are getting married and we do have a definite date for the marriage, but due to some family issues and some financial issues and basically any other kind of issue you can think of, we aren't engaged yet. He hasn't proposed (again) and I haven't accepted. But he will eventually and so will I. That's all that matters... Right?
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